Destiny is 14!!

Today is Dessi's 14th birthday. She was in such a good mood this morning. That is unusual for my little EMO daughter. It was a good morning, I hope the whole day continues for her like that.

Destiny has had her struggles to face throughout life and really struggles to allow anyone to help her get through them. But I love her sooo much and have so much excitement for what I know she will grow into. She just needs to make it through four more years of school.

She is the most creative child I've ever seen. She writes amazing poems and was showing me some of her drawings today too. She's decent at that as well, especially since as a family none of us can draw at all. And she is great at making videos and stories on the computer. She is just so creative and deep. I wish some of the kids in her class bothered to get to know that little girl, the one that has sooo much to offer.

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Dessi!!!! I still remember holding you continually when you were a baby because you were so needy and struggling with potty training you. You always have had a mind of your own. I love you.

Time

Time, is an odd odd thing. Three weeks from today I will be 34 years old. 34 years old!!! I don't feel that old and it doesn't seem that I should be that old, wasn't I just in school? Wasn't I just one of the youngest in my class?

Then you have little Zane, he's only two and a half, but I can't imagine my life without him. It's as if he's always been here. I know he hasn't and I know that most of my memories are before he was born, but is it really possible that three years ago, he didn't even exist? That for 31 years he was not a part of my life?

I never really thought about what I would be like in my thirties or what life would be like. It always seemed so very old to me. But I really don't feel that old. I look a lot older when I look in the mirror, but honestly I have never looked in the mirror and thought, wow she's incredible, I've always seen all of the negatives.

Since I've never really thought about it, I don't know if I am where I wanted to be or behind or ahead. I have a great family, and I love them very much, so that's a positive. I have a job that I don't mind, sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it, but I always am comfortable that I know what needs to be done and how to get it done. I make a decent amount of money, not what you need to make for a family of eleven, but come on, does anyone? I am getting happier with my body, it's not what I want it to be and will probably take another year of work and quite possibly a surgery or two before I am happy with it, but I get more and more comfortable in my own skin as time goes on.

I can no longer have kids, which is something that bothers me. It makes me feel older, like having no chance of being pregnant(as intentional as it may be) means that I am no longer of childbearing age. I shouldn't have had my tubes tied when Zaney was born, but no one told me that then!!!

I can't just relax and not worry about finances, which is something I would love to be able to do. But maybe that's my own fault, after all, I wanted a big family. I think that if I could just move up to where I want and deserve to be at, we would be more comfortable, but again my fault...

After 34 years of life, or almost 34 years of life, shouldn't you have a better handle on where you want to be and where you are headed? Or should you just know where you have been and where you don't want to be in ten years?

First haircut

Zane is two and a half and he's never had a hair cut. He has the sweetest curls and I can't yet bring myself to cut them off. He's my baby, most likely the last one I'll ever have and it makes me so sad to see them go.

All of our kids had curls until they got that dreaded first hair cut and now, they all have straight straight hair. I adore baby curls and maybe for me holding onto his curls allows me to hold onto his babyhood. I know that he needs a haircut and would be so cute with one, but I still just can't bring myself to do it.

One reason he really needs one is that he has a habit of twirling his hair around his finger, so every so often you will come across the worst knot you've ever seen. It's almost as if he got gum or something stuck in his hair, but that's not what it is, it's just him having twisted that spot into oblivion.

Another is that people think he's a girl at this point. And he is definitely all boy, so I feel guilty when someone says, "Oh, she's so cute". But then I run my hand through his soft baby curls and well, I just can't do it. How does one let their baby grow up and become a child?

Leaving my babies

One of the hardest things I do almost every day is to leave them. Little Zaney with his silly little kissy noises and telling me bye and Reagan with his near perfect hugs and kisses and his amazing unwillingness to tell me he loves me. Zaria with her shy hugs, because you just know she still wants to be the baby too, even at almost seven.

I would easily spend all day with them, go to all of their little school things and be the most perfect stay at home mom ever. But, that was not what life had planned for me and not where I am today. Today, I get up and watch everyone get ready for their day and help the best I can, while getting myself ready for mine. Then I leave them all and go to work, and every so often it breaks my heart just a little.

This morning was one of those mornings. The first heartbreaker came when I went in our bedroom for a few minutes and when I came out little Zane was having a meltdown, he thought that I had left him without saying goodbye. At two, he can't express that that well, but that was the issue. When he saw that I was still there, he pulled himself together and just gave me the cutest, saddest big fat lip you've ever seen. Several hugs later, he was his normal curly haired vibrant toddler, but I still felt bad.

The other one came as I was driving, about three blocks away from my house, and about ten minutes late. My phone rang, when I answered, it was our oldest son John, he informed me that Reagan was crying in the driveway for me!! Reagan is four and shouldn't be in the driveway, so once we got past that and I was sure he was safe in the house, I spoke to my inconsoleable son.

I told him that I had given him several hugs and kisses before I left, but he assured me that I had not. I begged him to let me kiss him over the phone and he said,"No, come back and kiss me goodbye" still inconsoleable. I made one last attempt at consoling him over the phone, now ten blocks from home and truly late. This time he remembered the kiss and calmed down, I gave him another over the phone and reminded him how much I love him. But, yeah, my heart is a little more broken today then it was yesterday...

Fundraiser Dinners

Heaven was in the top ten percent of her class this year and we are very proud of her. So when we got an invite to the dinner and were told that she would get an award and we ONLY had to pay 15 dollars each, of course we decided to go.

I'm still proud of her and will probably(she better still qualify) still go next year, but geez, fifteen dollars each for that? And do they realize that this is supposed to be for kids?

To drink they had a choice of water, iced tea or coffee. Do a lot of kids you know drink these things? Then a salad, which Heaven didn't touch and I simply played with. Followed by roast beef, mashed potatoes and vegetables. And the finally the dessert, carrot cake. Heaven ate not one bite of anything but the meat and very little of that!! Poor kids, obviously this dinner was aimed at the adults, paying for it, not at the kids who earned it.

And no, I'm not just saying this because I have the tastebuds of a small child. :-) I really did feel bad for the kids.

We took Heaven afterwards to McDonalds and then Dairy Queen, she was much happier then and maybe she'll even try to get it again next year.

Asthma

I have dealt with this horrible terrible thing for eighteen years. I have never had asthma, only very bad allergies, but I have watched my family suffer with it for far too long and I hate it!!

My first experience with asthma was with my husband before we were even married. I remember clearly him not being able to breath and sitting with him at the hospital while we waited for them to give him a treatment that seemingly cured it. Luckily I only had a couple of these experiences with him but I remember how clearly watching the person I loved at 15/16 suffer so badly scared me to death.

Then only a few years later, I got my first terrifying experience with asthma. Howie, now 12, was seemingly born suffering from it. For months they wouldn't diagnose him with it and I had to fight them on that, but he had it all along. By the time he was six months old I had spent several hours holding him in an ER waiting room waiting to get a treatment for my little baby who was gasping for air. He would turn blue at his daycare and I would rush to get him and bring him to the hospital. Finally at six months they decided he had asthma and sent us home with a nebulizer, I have never been so happy for a little machine. My poor baby went through these spells for the first two years of his life quite often, and then it seems to have just left him. He has horrible allergies, but the asthma appears to be, at least for now gone.

And for a few years our house was fairly asthma free. Then Reagan came along. Reagan wasn't born with asthma and has always been a big baby/toddler, now preschooler. He doesn't look like anything could bring him to his knees, you would think he would knock down anything in his way. But that is just not the case, this horrible disease, can completely devastate my poor four year old and leave him almost lifeless on the floor within an hour left untreated. He knows what a treatment is now and knows to ask for it and knows that it helps him, but it breaks my heart to see him suffer so with just taking a breath.

And then my final, or at least I am hoping it's my last, experience with asthma. Heaven, my 15 year old daughter, always very healthy, very athletic, was diagnosed with it last year. She suddenly couldn't run to second base without being bent over out of breath. She is now on an inhaler, which she forgets to have with her continually, and desperately needs it for almost any exertion. Which is heartbreaking for me to deal with as she lives for her sports and yet when she is out there doing them I have to fear for her life. What if she doesn't remember her inhaler and pushes herself too hard? What if she doesn't want to ask her coach to get the inhaler and runs out of breath? Terrifying thoughts for a mom who lives for her family and loves her little girl very much. I've watched as she turned white on the basketball court because she didn't want to be taken out and prayed for a timeout or halftime so that she would get some rest and catch her breath.

It is a very difficult thing, to watch the people you love struggle to take a breath. I would wish it on no one.

Sick kids

Why is it that I feel like such a bad parent whenever my kids are sick? Today Zaria and Dessi are home sick, yesterday it was Howie.

Howie didn't make me feel so bad. I felt bad for him of course, but not as a parent. I knew that he was indeed sick and should be missing school because he had thrown up multiple times the day and night before and if nothing else, that had to have worn him out.

Then we get to Dessi and Zaria, yes the whole house has some small bug. Yes, it is affecting everyone in different ways. Yes they could be sick. But are they? I have no idea!! Both would rather miss school than go and I know it, but what if they are sick?

I try every trick in the book. "Zaria, you know you can't go to the Y or outside if you are sick?" "Zaria, I won't send you to Grandma's, you have to stay home" Nothing... "Dessi, you know you can't miss a lot of days" "Dessi, you are going to be in big trouble if you keep missing" Nothing...

Maybe they are sick, in fact I'm sure they have some of whatever is going around the house. Do I think that they are sick enough to stay home? Nope. Do I think the crazy nurse at their school would send them home if I could convince them to go? Yep. Which is a whole other issue!!!

Easter

We did an outside Easter egg hunt for the first time in years this year. It was really fun, from hiding the eggs with the older kids last night to watching the litttle kids run around the yard this morning grabbing up eggs as fast as they could with huge smiles on their faces.

Then we went inside and they all got to look at their baskets, very happy kids. Zane wanted all of his candy open, but not to eat, just to look at. Which makes for a very messy house. Oh well, I did decide to have 9 kids, my house was doomed to be a mess till I'm fifty.

Then we made my special scrambled eggs. Heaven always helps, but this time Dessi helped too which made me really happy. Dessi only likes her computer and her online stuff, so I love it when she gets involved.

Right now the kids are watching Toy Story on Blu-Ray that they got for Easter, then naptime!!! After that we are going to a park and play football with the older kids while the little kids play. And then lasagna for supper. Very full happy day!

John's 17th birthday

My oldest will turn seventeen on Monday. Give me a minute to collect myself, that is sooo hard to say.

I love their birthdays, I love making them feel special and watching them enjoy their special gifts and their special days. However I do admit that it was so much easier when they were all under ten!!!

This year we asked John what he wanted. And this year we are offering for each kid to have a party if they so desire, it simply comes from the money that we normally spend on them. He wanted a radio for sure.

So weeks ago, I told him to decide if he wanted anything else or he would like a party and a radio. We were looking at higher end radio/cd players with a dock for his ipod. And last night he decided he would also like a chair for his desk.

So I said, we can get a little cheaper of everything and still do all three or get nicer of two of the three things or really nice of just one. He was leaning towards all three. And so he was thinking about it and came to me and asked, "So how much would a DJ cost?" And so now we all know John's concept of money.

Yeah it was so much easier when they were all little!!!

The Neverending Week!!

I haven't hardly had time to sleep!! Literally I feel like I have done nothing but go all week.

Monday, we were supposed to have an install/test at work and so I was very busy with work all day getting ready and doing some other stuff that came up. And they couldn't even start testing until 5 and Noah's first practice was at 5!! So we got everyone fast food(doing way too much of that lately) and ran him over to practice and rushed home so that I was available.

Then we are drafting our fantasy baseball teams and needed to do two of them that night, so while I was working on the install we were doing that and there are seven kids(Howie went with Noah to practice) fighting and screaming in the background.

Testing for work lasted until almost eleven that night and so I had to coordinate walking and putting the kids to bed, and picking out clothes for the next day, etc... around that. Then I finally got my bath and a little relaxation time before sleeping at close to one.

Then up again yesterday at ten to 6 to get the kids up to get ready for the day. Then shortly thereafter I got my first support call of the day before even getting to work!!! Then yesterday I find out that there will be more testing last night starting at 9 on the same project. So since I know there is a ton to do at home, I leave a little early to try to get that all taken care of before 9

But not too long after I leave I get the first call that I need to look at something and by the time 9 came around I had about ten things on my list to work on besides the testing. We walked, ate, got the kids fed, and got ready for our family baseball draft. Which is fun, but chaotic...

Then we always watch Lost, so we started watching it and Reagan and Zane both flipped out for different reasons. We paused it so that I could get them to bed before we finished watching it. And Zane had a mini meltdown about which train book I would read to him, every time I started one he wanted the other one!!

But I was ready at nine to start working!! I started at nine and was waiting for my call from the guy at the plant while working on the other stuff that had come up that afternoon. He called at about 9:30 and said that the plant was not going to be dark that night after all and would probably be running till 3 or 4 in the morning and then starting back up around 5!! So I finished my stuff and at around 10:45 went to take my bath and get some relaxation time before going to sleep again at around 1.

Suffice it to say that when I got up again this morning at ten to six to get the kids up, I was exhausted!!! And I still am, I'm just praying to get through today. Tonight I want to work out f or half an hour, then make goulash, draft two more teams, run to the store for a couple of emergency items and walk. Hmmm, sounds like a late night again, huh?

Lost Phone!!!

So, we made it to the Spring Sing, not as early as my husband wanted, but still 20 minutes before 7. And the kids did well.

Zaria watched us the whole time as she found us before she went on stage and between watching us and fixing her hair I think she mostly forgot to sing. Which was cute in and of itself.

Lucia never did find us and performed well the whole time, but I was a little sad that she couldn't see us. She looked sooo scared up there.

Noah, well Noah is a performer. He's got the best smile, which he graced us with right before going on. And he did so well on his recorder and sang every song.

Reagan, my four year old, came with Grandpa to it and Howie, my 12 year old, came late after walking there when he missed all of his possible rides. And Reagan was pretty good for a just turned four year old, but he did move from lap to lap a lot. Which is why I think, I dropped my phone!!!

Now I realized that my phone was missing as soon as I stood up, but apparently that was too late, because we searched the whole auditorium as everyone else had left and it was no where!! So that means that someone had to have picked it up while we sat there and instead of asking us if it was ours, because you know they had to have been sitting by us, pocketed it!!

So we called it, and called it. After the fourth or so time they turned it off. So I figured they were going to try to use it or sell it. And I still think that they were, but realized that they didn't have a charger or that it only works with AT&T.

Because this morning, Howie(who goes to the school that the performance was at) went to the office and asked about the phone. And a little while later my husband got a call from a lady saying that it had been turned in and I could pick it up!!!

I have never ever been so relieved. What an ordeal, who knew that I would be sooo reliant on a phone that I've only had for 5 years? But everyone calls it now and I always have it!!! I'm on 24/7 support for the plants that I support their software and as any mother knows I'm also on 24/7 support for 9 kids that need me!!! It was as if I was missing my lifeline for 12 hours, I'm just sooo happy to have it back.

Hmmmm....

I'm not exactly sure what to write. I'll have to work on that.

Today is a busy day, but to be honest I'm not sure what day isn't. First you have work, which I won't bore you with the details today, but suffice it to say, I have more than enough to do...

Then after work, I really really want to get 30 minutes in at the Y. I want to lose about 30 pounds and I want to do it NOW!!! Realistically though I would be happy with by the end of summer?

Then Lucia and Zaria(my 7 and 6 year old daughters) need dress shoes and tights for their spring sing tonight. And I need to make sure Noah, my 10 year old, has decent clothes to wear.

Somehow everyone has to eat, I had turkey chops planned for tonight, but I'm thinking that's in question now... Do I really have time to cook and will the older kids left at home clean up after supper if we aren't there? Probably not...

Then the spring sing starts at 7, and my husband, John, wants to be there by 6:30 so that we get decent seats. So all of that stuff must be done by 6:15 so that we can load the three elementary school kids up and be to the school by 6:30. I get off work at 4.

Then after the show is over, I'll most likely have less than an hour to get the little girls(Lucia and Zaria) and the little boys(Reagan-4 and Zane-2) their baths and get everyone in bed!!