Time

Time, is an odd odd thing. Three weeks from today I will be 34 years old. 34 years old!!! I don't feel that old and it doesn't seem that I should be that old, wasn't I just in school? Wasn't I just one of the youngest in my class?

Then you have little Zane, he's only two and a half, but I can't imagine my life without him. It's as if he's always been here. I know he hasn't and I know that most of my memories are before he was born, but is it really possible that three years ago, he didn't even exist? That for 31 years he was not a part of my life?

I never really thought about what I would be like in my thirties or what life would be like. It always seemed so very old to me. But I really don't feel that old. I look a lot older when I look in the mirror, but honestly I have never looked in the mirror and thought, wow she's incredible, I've always seen all of the negatives.

Since I've never really thought about it, I don't know if I am where I wanted to be or behind or ahead. I have a great family, and I love them very much, so that's a positive. I have a job that I don't mind, sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it, but I always am comfortable that I know what needs to be done and how to get it done. I make a decent amount of money, not what you need to make for a family of eleven, but come on, does anyone? I am getting happier with my body, it's not what I want it to be and will probably take another year of work and quite possibly a surgery or two before I am happy with it, but I get more and more comfortable in my own skin as time goes on.

I can no longer have kids, which is something that bothers me. It makes me feel older, like having no chance of being pregnant(as intentional as it may be) means that I am no longer of childbearing age. I shouldn't have had my tubes tied when Zaney was born, but no one told me that then!!!

I can't just relax and not worry about finances, which is something I would love to be able to do. But maybe that's my own fault, after all, I wanted a big family. I think that if I could just move up to where I want and deserve to be at, we would be more comfortable, but again my fault...

After 34 years of life, or almost 34 years of life, shouldn't you have a better handle on where you want to be and where you are headed? Or should you just know where you have been and where you don't want to be in ten years?