Destiny is 14!!

Today is Dessi's 14th birthday. She was in such a good mood this morning. That is unusual for my little EMO daughter. It was a good morning, I hope the whole day continues for her like that.

Destiny has had her struggles to face throughout life and really struggles to allow anyone to help her get through them. But I love her sooo much and have so much excitement for what I know she will grow into. She just needs to make it through four more years of school.

She is the most creative child I've ever seen. She writes amazing poems and was showing me some of her drawings today too. She's decent at that as well, especially since as a family none of us can draw at all. And she is great at making videos and stories on the computer. She is just so creative and deep. I wish some of the kids in her class bothered to get to know that little girl, the one that has sooo much to offer.

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Dessi!!!! I still remember holding you continually when you were a baby because you were so needy and struggling with potty training you. You always have had a mind of your own. I love you.

Time

Time, is an odd odd thing. Three weeks from today I will be 34 years old. 34 years old!!! I don't feel that old and it doesn't seem that I should be that old, wasn't I just in school? Wasn't I just one of the youngest in my class?

Then you have little Zane, he's only two and a half, but I can't imagine my life without him. It's as if he's always been here. I know he hasn't and I know that most of my memories are before he was born, but is it really possible that three years ago, he didn't even exist? That for 31 years he was not a part of my life?

I never really thought about what I would be like in my thirties or what life would be like. It always seemed so very old to me. But I really don't feel that old. I look a lot older when I look in the mirror, but honestly I have never looked in the mirror and thought, wow she's incredible, I've always seen all of the negatives.

Since I've never really thought about it, I don't know if I am where I wanted to be or behind or ahead. I have a great family, and I love them very much, so that's a positive. I have a job that I don't mind, sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it, but I always am comfortable that I know what needs to be done and how to get it done. I make a decent amount of money, not what you need to make for a family of eleven, but come on, does anyone? I am getting happier with my body, it's not what I want it to be and will probably take another year of work and quite possibly a surgery or two before I am happy with it, but I get more and more comfortable in my own skin as time goes on.

I can no longer have kids, which is something that bothers me. It makes me feel older, like having no chance of being pregnant(as intentional as it may be) means that I am no longer of childbearing age. I shouldn't have had my tubes tied when Zaney was born, but no one told me that then!!!

I can't just relax and not worry about finances, which is something I would love to be able to do. But maybe that's my own fault, after all, I wanted a big family. I think that if I could just move up to where I want and deserve to be at, we would be more comfortable, but again my fault...

After 34 years of life, or almost 34 years of life, shouldn't you have a better handle on where you want to be and where you are headed? Or should you just know where you have been and where you don't want to be in ten years?

First haircut

Zane is two and a half and he's never had a hair cut. He has the sweetest curls and I can't yet bring myself to cut them off. He's my baby, most likely the last one I'll ever have and it makes me so sad to see them go.

All of our kids had curls until they got that dreaded first hair cut and now, they all have straight straight hair. I adore baby curls and maybe for me holding onto his curls allows me to hold onto his babyhood. I know that he needs a haircut and would be so cute with one, but I still just can't bring myself to do it.

One reason he really needs one is that he has a habit of twirling his hair around his finger, so every so often you will come across the worst knot you've ever seen. It's almost as if he got gum or something stuck in his hair, but that's not what it is, it's just him having twisted that spot into oblivion.

Another is that people think he's a girl at this point. And he is definitely all boy, so I feel guilty when someone says, "Oh, she's so cute". But then I run my hand through his soft baby curls and well, I just can't do it. How does one let their baby grow up and become a child?

Leaving my babies

One of the hardest things I do almost every day is to leave them. Little Zaney with his silly little kissy noises and telling me bye and Reagan with his near perfect hugs and kisses and his amazing unwillingness to tell me he loves me. Zaria with her shy hugs, because you just know she still wants to be the baby too, even at almost seven.

I would easily spend all day with them, go to all of their little school things and be the most perfect stay at home mom ever. But, that was not what life had planned for me and not where I am today. Today, I get up and watch everyone get ready for their day and help the best I can, while getting myself ready for mine. Then I leave them all and go to work, and every so often it breaks my heart just a little.

This morning was one of those mornings. The first heartbreaker came when I went in our bedroom for a few minutes and when I came out little Zane was having a meltdown, he thought that I had left him without saying goodbye. At two, he can't express that that well, but that was the issue. When he saw that I was still there, he pulled himself together and just gave me the cutest, saddest big fat lip you've ever seen. Several hugs later, he was his normal curly haired vibrant toddler, but I still felt bad.

The other one came as I was driving, about three blocks away from my house, and about ten minutes late. My phone rang, when I answered, it was our oldest son John, he informed me that Reagan was crying in the driveway for me!! Reagan is four and shouldn't be in the driveway, so once we got past that and I was sure he was safe in the house, I spoke to my inconsoleable son.

I told him that I had given him several hugs and kisses before I left, but he assured me that I had not. I begged him to let me kiss him over the phone and he said,"No, come back and kiss me goodbye" still inconsoleable. I made one last attempt at consoling him over the phone, now ten blocks from home and truly late. This time he remembered the kiss and calmed down, I gave him another over the phone and reminded him how much I love him. But, yeah, my heart is a little more broken today then it was yesterday...

Fundraiser Dinners

Heaven was in the top ten percent of her class this year and we are very proud of her. So when we got an invite to the dinner and were told that she would get an award and we ONLY had to pay 15 dollars each, of course we decided to go.

I'm still proud of her and will probably(she better still qualify) still go next year, but geez, fifteen dollars each for that? And do they realize that this is supposed to be for kids?

To drink they had a choice of water, iced tea or coffee. Do a lot of kids you know drink these things? Then a salad, which Heaven didn't touch and I simply played with. Followed by roast beef, mashed potatoes and vegetables. And the finally the dessert, carrot cake. Heaven ate not one bite of anything but the meat and very little of that!! Poor kids, obviously this dinner was aimed at the adults, paying for it, not at the kids who earned it.

And no, I'm not just saying this because I have the tastebuds of a small child. :-) I really did feel bad for the kids.

We took Heaven afterwards to McDonalds and then Dairy Queen, she was much happier then and maybe she'll even try to get it again next year.