Today is Dessi's 14th birthday. She was in such a good mood this morning. That is unusual for my little EMO daughter. It was a good morning, I hope the whole day continues for her like that.
Destiny has had her struggles to face throughout life and really struggles to allow anyone to help her get through them. But I love her sooo much and have so much excitement for what I know she will grow into. She just needs to make it through four more years of school.
She is the most creative child I've ever seen. She writes amazing poems and was showing me some of her drawings today too. She's decent at that as well, especially since as a family none of us can draw at all. And she is great at making videos and stories on the computer. She is just so creative and deep. I wish some of the kids in her class bothered to get to know that little girl, the one that has sooo much to offer.
Anyway, Happy Birthday, Dessi!!!! I still remember holding you continually when you were a baby because you were so needy and struggling with potty training you. You always have had a mind of your own. I love you.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Time
Time, is an odd odd thing. Three weeks from today I will be 34 years old. 34 years old!!! I don't feel that old and it doesn't seem that I should be that old, wasn't I just in school? Wasn't I just one of the youngest in my class?
Then you have little Zane, he's only two and a half, but I can't imagine my life without him. It's as if he's always been here. I know he hasn't and I know that most of my memories are before he was born, but is it really possible that three years ago, he didn't even exist? That for 31 years he was not a part of my life?
I never really thought about what I would be like in my thirties or what life would be like. It always seemed so very old to me. But I really don't feel that old. I look a lot older when I look in the mirror, but honestly I have never looked in the mirror and thought, wow she's incredible, I've always seen all of the negatives.
Since I've never really thought about it, I don't know if I am where I wanted to be or behind or ahead. I have a great family, and I love them very much, so that's a positive. I have a job that I don't mind, sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it, but I always am comfortable that I know what needs to be done and how to get it done. I make a decent amount of money, not what you need to make for a family of eleven, but come on, does anyone? I am getting happier with my body, it's not what I want it to be and will probably take another year of work and quite possibly a surgery or two before I am happy with it, but I get more and more comfortable in my own skin as time goes on.
I can no longer have kids, which is something that bothers me. It makes me feel older, like having no chance of being pregnant(as intentional as it may be) means that I am no longer of childbearing age. I shouldn't have had my tubes tied when Zaney was born, but no one told me that then!!!
I can't just relax and not worry about finances, which is something I would love to be able to do. But maybe that's my own fault, after all, I wanted a big family. I think that if I could just move up to where I want and deserve to be at, we would be more comfortable, but again my fault...
After 34 years of life, or almost 34 years of life, shouldn't you have a better handle on where you want to be and where you are headed? Or should you just know where you have been and where you don't want to be in ten years?
Then you have little Zane, he's only two and a half, but I can't imagine my life without him. It's as if he's always been here. I know he hasn't and I know that most of my memories are before he was born, but is it really possible that three years ago, he didn't even exist? That for 31 years he was not a part of my life?
I never really thought about what I would be like in my thirties or what life would be like. It always seemed so very old to me. But I really don't feel that old. I look a lot older when I look in the mirror, but honestly I have never looked in the mirror and thought, wow she's incredible, I've always seen all of the negatives.
Since I've never really thought about it, I don't know if I am where I wanted to be or behind or ahead. I have a great family, and I love them very much, so that's a positive. I have a job that I don't mind, sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it, but I always am comfortable that I know what needs to be done and how to get it done. I make a decent amount of money, not what you need to make for a family of eleven, but come on, does anyone? I am getting happier with my body, it's not what I want it to be and will probably take another year of work and quite possibly a surgery or two before I am happy with it, but I get more and more comfortable in my own skin as time goes on.
I can no longer have kids, which is something that bothers me. It makes me feel older, like having no chance of being pregnant(as intentional as it may be) means that I am no longer of childbearing age. I shouldn't have had my tubes tied when Zaney was born, but no one told me that then!!!
I can't just relax and not worry about finances, which is something I would love to be able to do. But maybe that's my own fault, after all, I wanted a big family. I think that if I could just move up to where I want and deserve to be at, we would be more comfortable, but again my fault...
After 34 years of life, or almost 34 years of life, shouldn't you have a better handle on where you want to be and where you are headed? Or should you just know where you have been and where you don't want to be in ten years?
Thursday, May 6, 2010
First haircut
Zane is two and a half and he's never had a hair cut. He has the sweetest curls and I can't yet bring myself to cut them off. He's my baby, most likely the last one I'll ever have and it makes me so sad to see them go.
All of our kids had curls until they got that dreaded first hair cut and now, they all have straight straight hair. I adore baby curls and maybe for me holding onto his curls allows me to hold onto his babyhood. I know that he needs a haircut and would be so cute with one, but I still just can't bring myself to do it.
One reason he really needs one is that he has a habit of twirling his hair around his finger, so every so often you will come across the worst knot you've ever seen. It's almost as if he got gum or something stuck in his hair, but that's not what it is, it's just him having twisted that spot into oblivion.
Another is that people think he's a girl at this point. And he is definitely all boy, so I feel guilty when someone says, "Oh, she's so cute". But then I run my hand through his soft baby curls and well, I just can't do it. How does one let their baby grow up and become a child?
All of our kids had curls until they got that dreaded first hair cut and now, they all have straight straight hair. I adore baby curls and maybe for me holding onto his curls allows me to hold onto his babyhood. I know that he needs a haircut and would be so cute with one, but I still just can't bring myself to do it.
One reason he really needs one is that he has a habit of twirling his hair around his finger, so every so often you will come across the worst knot you've ever seen. It's almost as if he got gum or something stuck in his hair, but that's not what it is, it's just him having twisted that spot into oblivion.
Another is that people think he's a girl at this point. And he is definitely all boy, so I feel guilty when someone says, "Oh, she's so cute". But then I run my hand through his soft baby curls and well, I just can't do it. How does one let their baby grow up and become a child?
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Leaving my babies
One of the hardest things I do almost every day is to leave them. Little Zaney with his silly little kissy noises and telling me bye and Reagan with his near perfect hugs and kisses and his amazing unwillingness to tell me he loves me. Zaria with her shy hugs, because you just know she still wants to be the baby too, even at almost seven.
I would easily spend all day with them, go to all of their little school things and be the most perfect stay at home mom ever. But, that was not what life had planned for me and not where I am today. Today, I get up and watch everyone get ready for their day and help the best I can, while getting myself ready for mine. Then I leave them all and go to work, and every so often it breaks my heart just a little.
This morning was one of those mornings. The first heartbreaker came when I went in our bedroom for a few minutes and when I came out little Zane was having a meltdown, he thought that I had left him without saying goodbye. At two, he can't express that that well, but that was the issue. When he saw that I was still there, he pulled himself together and just gave me the cutest, saddest big fat lip you've ever seen. Several hugs later, he was his normal curly haired vibrant toddler, but I still felt bad.
The other one came as I was driving, about three blocks away from my house, and about ten minutes late. My phone rang, when I answered, it was our oldest son John, he informed me that Reagan was crying in the driveway for me!! Reagan is four and shouldn't be in the driveway, so once we got past that and I was sure he was safe in the house, I spoke to my inconsoleable son.
I told him that I had given him several hugs and kisses before I left, but he assured me that I had not. I begged him to let me kiss him over the phone and he said,"No, come back and kiss me goodbye" still inconsoleable. I made one last attempt at consoling him over the phone, now ten blocks from home and truly late. This time he remembered the kiss and calmed down, I gave him another over the phone and reminded him how much I love him. But, yeah, my heart is a little more broken today then it was yesterday...
I would easily spend all day with them, go to all of their little school things and be the most perfect stay at home mom ever. But, that was not what life had planned for me and not where I am today. Today, I get up and watch everyone get ready for their day and help the best I can, while getting myself ready for mine. Then I leave them all and go to work, and every so often it breaks my heart just a little.
This morning was one of those mornings. The first heartbreaker came when I went in our bedroom for a few minutes and when I came out little Zane was having a meltdown, he thought that I had left him without saying goodbye. At two, he can't express that that well, but that was the issue. When he saw that I was still there, he pulled himself together and just gave me the cutest, saddest big fat lip you've ever seen. Several hugs later, he was his normal curly haired vibrant toddler, but I still felt bad.
The other one came as I was driving, about three blocks away from my house, and about ten minutes late. My phone rang, when I answered, it was our oldest son John, he informed me that Reagan was crying in the driveway for me!! Reagan is four and shouldn't be in the driveway, so once we got past that and I was sure he was safe in the house, I spoke to my inconsoleable son.
I told him that I had given him several hugs and kisses before I left, but he assured me that I had not. I begged him to let me kiss him over the phone and he said,"No, come back and kiss me goodbye" still inconsoleable. I made one last attempt at consoling him over the phone, now ten blocks from home and truly late. This time he remembered the kiss and calmed down, I gave him another over the phone and reminded him how much I love him. But, yeah, my heart is a little more broken today then it was yesterday...
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Fundraiser Dinners
Heaven was in the top ten percent of her class this year and we are very proud of her. So when we got an invite to the dinner and were told that she would get an award and we ONLY had to pay 15 dollars each, of course we decided to go.
I'm still proud of her and will probably(she better still qualify) still go next year, but geez, fifteen dollars each for that? And do they realize that this is supposed to be for kids?
To drink they had a choice of water, iced tea or coffee. Do a lot of kids you know drink these things? Then a salad, which Heaven didn't touch and I simply played with. Followed by roast beef, mashed potatoes and vegetables. And the finally the dessert, carrot cake. Heaven ate not one bite of anything but the meat and very little of that!! Poor kids, obviously this dinner was aimed at the adults, paying for it, not at the kids who earned it.
And no, I'm not just saying this because I have the tastebuds of a small child. :-) I really did feel bad for the kids.
We took Heaven afterwards to McDonalds and then Dairy Queen, she was much happier then and maybe she'll even try to get it again next year.
I'm still proud of her and will probably(she better still qualify) still go next year, but geez, fifteen dollars each for that? And do they realize that this is supposed to be for kids?
To drink they had a choice of water, iced tea or coffee. Do a lot of kids you know drink these things? Then a salad, which Heaven didn't touch and I simply played with. Followed by roast beef, mashed potatoes and vegetables. And the finally the dessert, carrot cake. Heaven ate not one bite of anything but the meat and very little of that!! Poor kids, obviously this dinner was aimed at the adults, paying for it, not at the kids who earned it.
And no, I'm not just saying this because I have the tastebuds of a small child. :-) I really did feel bad for the kids.
We took Heaven afterwards to McDonalds and then Dairy Queen, she was much happier then and maybe she'll even try to get it again next year.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Asthma
I have dealt with this horrible terrible thing for eighteen years. I have never had asthma, only very bad allergies, but I have watched my family suffer with it for far too long and I hate it!!
My first experience with asthma was with my husband before we were even married. I remember clearly him not being able to breath and sitting with him at the hospital while we waited for them to give him a treatment that seemingly cured it. Luckily I only had a couple of these experiences with him but I remember how clearly watching the person I loved at 15/16 suffer so badly scared me to death.
Then only a few years later, I got my first terrifying experience with asthma. Howie, now 12, was seemingly born suffering from it. For months they wouldn't diagnose him with it and I had to fight them on that, but he had it all along. By the time he was six months old I had spent several hours holding him in an ER waiting room waiting to get a treatment for my little baby who was gasping for air. He would turn blue at his daycare and I would rush to get him and bring him to the hospital. Finally at six months they decided he had asthma and sent us home with a nebulizer, I have never been so happy for a little machine. My poor baby went through these spells for the first two years of his life quite often, and then it seems to have just left him. He has horrible allergies, but the asthma appears to be, at least for now gone.
And for a few years our house was fairly asthma free. Then Reagan came along. Reagan wasn't born with asthma and has always been a big baby/toddler, now preschooler. He doesn't look like anything could bring him to his knees, you would think he would knock down anything in his way. But that is just not the case, this horrible disease, can completely devastate my poor four year old and leave him almost lifeless on the floor within an hour left untreated. He knows what a treatment is now and knows to ask for it and knows that it helps him, but it breaks my heart to see him suffer so with just taking a breath.
And then my final, or at least I am hoping it's my last, experience with asthma. Heaven, my 15 year old daughter, always very healthy, very athletic, was diagnosed with it last year. She suddenly couldn't run to second base without being bent over out of breath. She is now on an inhaler, which she forgets to have with her continually, and desperately needs it for almost any exertion. Which is heartbreaking for me to deal with as she lives for her sports and yet when she is out there doing them I have to fear for her life. What if she doesn't remember her inhaler and pushes herself too hard? What if she doesn't want to ask her coach to get the inhaler and runs out of breath? Terrifying thoughts for a mom who lives for her family and loves her little girl very much. I've watched as she turned white on the basketball court because she didn't want to be taken out and prayed for a timeout or halftime so that she would get some rest and catch her breath.
It is a very difficult thing, to watch the people you love struggle to take a breath. I would wish it on no one.
My first experience with asthma was with my husband before we were even married. I remember clearly him not being able to breath and sitting with him at the hospital while we waited for them to give him a treatment that seemingly cured it. Luckily I only had a couple of these experiences with him but I remember how clearly watching the person I loved at 15/16 suffer so badly scared me to death.
Then only a few years later, I got my first terrifying experience with asthma. Howie, now 12, was seemingly born suffering from it. For months they wouldn't diagnose him with it and I had to fight them on that, but he had it all along. By the time he was six months old I had spent several hours holding him in an ER waiting room waiting to get a treatment for my little baby who was gasping for air. He would turn blue at his daycare and I would rush to get him and bring him to the hospital. Finally at six months they decided he had asthma and sent us home with a nebulizer, I have never been so happy for a little machine. My poor baby went through these spells for the first two years of his life quite often, and then it seems to have just left him. He has horrible allergies, but the asthma appears to be, at least for now gone.
And for a few years our house was fairly asthma free. Then Reagan came along. Reagan wasn't born with asthma and has always been a big baby/toddler, now preschooler. He doesn't look like anything could bring him to his knees, you would think he would knock down anything in his way. But that is just not the case, this horrible disease, can completely devastate my poor four year old and leave him almost lifeless on the floor within an hour left untreated. He knows what a treatment is now and knows to ask for it and knows that it helps him, but it breaks my heart to see him suffer so with just taking a breath.
And then my final, or at least I am hoping it's my last, experience with asthma. Heaven, my 15 year old daughter, always very healthy, very athletic, was diagnosed with it last year. She suddenly couldn't run to second base without being bent over out of breath. She is now on an inhaler, which she forgets to have with her continually, and desperately needs it for almost any exertion. Which is heartbreaking for me to deal with as she lives for her sports and yet when she is out there doing them I have to fear for her life. What if she doesn't remember her inhaler and pushes herself too hard? What if she doesn't want to ask her coach to get the inhaler and runs out of breath? Terrifying thoughts for a mom who lives for her family and loves her little girl very much. I've watched as she turned white on the basketball court because she didn't want to be taken out and prayed for a timeout or halftime so that she would get some rest and catch her breath.
It is a very difficult thing, to watch the people you love struggle to take a breath. I would wish it on no one.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sick kids
Why is it that I feel like such a bad parent whenever my kids are sick? Today Zaria and Dessi are home sick, yesterday it was Howie.
Howie didn't make me feel so bad. I felt bad for him of course, but not as a parent. I knew that he was indeed sick and should be missing school because he had thrown up multiple times the day and night before and if nothing else, that had to have worn him out.
Then we get to Dessi and Zaria, yes the whole house has some small bug. Yes, it is affecting everyone in different ways. Yes they could be sick. But are they? I have no idea!! Both would rather miss school than go and I know it, but what if they are sick?
I try every trick in the book. "Zaria, you know you can't go to the Y or outside if you are sick?" "Zaria, I won't send you to Grandma's, you have to stay home" Nothing... "Dessi, you know you can't miss a lot of days" "Dessi, you are going to be in big trouble if you keep missing" Nothing...
Maybe they are sick, in fact I'm sure they have some of whatever is going around the house. Do I think that they are sick enough to stay home? Nope. Do I think the crazy nurse at their school would send them home if I could convince them to go? Yep. Which is a whole other issue!!!
Howie didn't make me feel so bad. I felt bad for him of course, but not as a parent. I knew that he was indeed sick and should be missing school because he had thrown up multiple times the day and night before and if nothing else, that had to have worn him out.
Then we get to Dessi and Zaria, yes the whole house has some small bug. Yes, it is affecting everyone in different ways. Yes they could be sick. But are they? I have no idea!! Both would rather miss school than go and I know it, but what if they are sick?
I try every trick in the book. "Zaria, you know you can't go to the Y or outside if you are sick?" "Zaria, I won't send you to Grandma's, you have to stay home" Nothing... "Dessi, you know you can't miss a lot of days" "Dessi, you are going to be in big trouble if you keep missing" Nothing...
Maybe they are sick, in fact I'm sure they have some of whatever is going around the house. Do I think that they are sick enough to stay home? Nope. Do I think the crazy nurse at their school would send them home if I could convince them to go? Yep. Which is a whole other issue!!!
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